As much as I came home feeling rather pleased with my lesson planning last Monday, you could say today was the stark opposite. No, it has nothing to do with the pre-6p.m. darkening of the sky or with my cleaning procrastination. I just feel like a failure. Can I even call myself a teacher?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking for pity or anything (although hugs are always welcome), I’m just declaring my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Some classes zip by, like a car on the highway, while others feel like a car on a dirt road, getting stuck in ditches and having to come out and push to move forward.
There are a few classes I fear more than most, and that every week. A recurring “please no, not this class” dreading feeling. My strongest, despairing “nooo”s come on Sundays and Wednesdays. Today, I wasn’t disappointed. Although I was rather surprised when I got an “oh crap– they’re bored” feeling barely halfway through two other classes. Why does it always feel like they’re never into things I think will be super interesting? (Don’t answer that.)
All that to say, there are days when reality slaps you so hard in the face you come home and just want to wrap yourself in a blanket and hibernate until better days. This is my self-reminder that it won’t. Not unless I do something to change “it” (whatever “it” is), myself and especially my thought process.
I bet you if I stopped fearing/anticipating/groaning about these “atrocious, monstrously unpleasant” classes, they wouldn’t feel so bad. In fact, why don’t I stop those “I don’t wanna gooo” feelings? I know for a fact just changing your mindset can affect – well, everything. I’ve done it for another class and was shocked when a student shattered my skewed perception of her. So it does work, but implementing that new train of thought requires a lot of effort.
Not any more effort than preparing a good class, but maybe I need some combination of both: confidence in what I have planned, and an open enough mind to be willing to have my world perception changed. I want to be surprised, in the best way possible! The outcome can only be positive, right?
Instead of agonizing over my decision(s) and thoughts of what I should do next year – move, or stay and teach university – I should focus more on the challenges at hand. Live in the ‘now’ rather than the future, or the mistakes of the past. Then maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel slightly more accomplished and worthy than even yesterday.